Hummer Christmas merchandise ratings spectacular!

This Christmas, I’m sure all of you noticed the abundance of Hummer merchandise available for your holiday consumption. Undoubtedly, most Green Hummer Project supporters avoided this cross-commercialization like the plague, but us Green Hummer crew members were in a good position to receive Hummer gag gifts this year. In fact, Stephen received a Hummer flashlight from his parents for Christmas. Not only a good joke, it’s actually very practical! This useful but Hummer-ized gift was the inspiration for this catalog of H2-related Christmas gifts.

Products are rated on a scale of 1-5. First category: Hummer TM worthiness- the item’s relation to the Hummer aesthetic. Actual coolness- Whether or not a reasonable person would actually find the product desirable.

Hummer cologne

Hummer cologne. For the man who spent $60,000 on a vehicle to impress women, only to find out he needs more! This gets good marks for Hummer TM worthiness, simply by falling in line with the rest of the Hummer brand marketing strategy. Like the flash bicycle or a Hummer shirt, the Hummer cologne says, “I’m manly and rugged, yet refined and sophisticated. Don’t let the pale skin and beer belly fool you”.

Actual coolness suffers greatly because of said marketing ploy. Also, a Hummer TM brand cologne supports the stereotype that environmentally responsible citizens smell bad. GHP alternative suggestion: Work on the beer belly first.

Hummer Flashlight

The Hummer flashlight uses no conventional batteries, is waterproof, and floats. It creates illumination from shaking an internal dynamo: a magnet passes through a metal coil, charging a battery that powers a white led. It works as advertised, is handy, is thoughtfully designed and of good quality. In fact, it doesn’t seem to share any characteristics with the Hummer brand. A real Hummer flashlight would take three of those big, square batteries, only shine in the eyes of small-car drivers, and be too large to fit in a drawer. This product’s usefulness, good design and environmental responsibility make it inappropriate for the Hummer TM. These qualities reduce the Hummer TM worthiness to 1; it’s insistence of actual physical activity from its owner just to light is completely unacceptable.

Hummer Mountain Bicycle

Actually a dressed-up Montague mountain bike, the Hummer bike features 24 speeds, quick-release alloy wheels, front suspension, and a folding aluminum frame. It gets a good grade on Hummer TM worthiness with its overdone off-road capabilities and small chance of being used to its full potential. It “transverses terrain silently at high speeds, with no thermal or acoustic radar signature”. I think that means that it casts its shadow towards the sun. No score higher than three, though; it lacks multiple cup-holders, it’s audio-video unfriendly, and has a relatively small size, even for a bicycle. It folds, for goodness’ sake! It’s like an H2 that compacts for easier parking. 

As far as actual coolness, there’s mixed feelings from the GHP crew. Yes, it is a bicycle, but a bicycle not well suited for use downtown. QR wheels? Flashy yellow paint? Super-knobby tires? A good bike to lock your scratched-up beater cruiser next to. A Hummer cyclist would have to baby-sit their bike as much as an H2 driver does their showy vehicle. A Hummer bike would best be used as jewelry on your Hummer Accessoriez TM Roof Rax TM or Bichin Hitch TM CliffHangers TM, with optional windbreakerz TM windscreen, but not for a ride around town. Maybe for these barren wasted landscapes that Hummers cruise around in all the time. A better option? An old Trek from a bike auction with the name scratched off.

I’m sure that there are people who bash their Hummer bikes all day on some mountain somewhere, and ride it home. You two rock.

Hummer watch/money clip

Oh, come on.

H2 kid’s car

Probably the most Hummer TM worthy of any product this year. It’s gaudy, boxy, and carries a maximum of two juveniles. It has a range of 1/2 hour per charge, just like its parent vehicle. It’s plastic, cheaply built, and motorized, to give your child a leg up on childhood obesity!

I had a pedal-powered tractor as a child. Using the limitless energy of children to move more than their own weight in cast iron on solid rubber wheels inefficiently: genius! Now, an electric car for aggressive fun and some Ritalin later!

Actual coolness suffers because of the early fetishization of consumption. Also uncool: its apparent lack of long-term usefulness. While the pedal tractor I had was a hand-me-down, and my family still has it somewhere, the H2 kid’s car will be taking up landfill space while its parent is still a rattling ghetto-cruiser in the neighborhoods current owners avoid. GHP-approved alternative: a plywood shell on an old pedal tractor.

Hummer bank

This little toy has a few Hummer TM worthy qualities. The most obvious: it’s a box that you just pour money into, even if just just childrens’ change, not gas money. It has the Hummer TM worthy goal of relating money directly to flash transportation in still-forming brains. It also fulfills a Hummer marketing goal of making the Hummer feel like a good investment. Actual coolness factor is relatively high because of its half-hearted attempt to teach children to save, and the fact that you can get all of your money back out of the engine compartment. Wishful thinking.